Joys and Sorrows

Okay so the title is a little dramatic, but I thought since I have been back to work an extended amount of time now, I can give an honest feed back of how it's going.

In the spirit if honesty, I am having a hard time transitioning. It's hard to explain. I love working. Really always have. I am a very type A, over active over achiever type. I don't do well with being bored (it tends to make me grumpy and poor!), so I need to feel productive and needed and accomplished and successful. I know these are all probably deep flaws of mine. But that is the truth.

So being at work has given me a purpose (not that being a mommy hasn't done that!), something to step out of the house for. But at the same time my heart is somewhere else. I just dream about my little guy all day! I have this constant ache that I am missing out on very important moments. That he won't know or doesn't care that his mommy isn't there!!!! And then it turns into this nightmare of not being able to be the mom to him that I want to be and am called to be. I want to be a classroom mom, making fun treats and going to class parties. Not being able to go to all of his games, recitals, tournaments (whatever he decides to do).

I am not sure if my inner self will ever allow me to not work some, but right now I could really use some extra time home with my hubby and baby. We have been overwhelmingly blessed with family helping watch Luke so we don't have to use daycare. But my heart just breaks dropping him off. I get jealous of the moments that they share with him. And struggle with knowing that I am still the mom, I still know him best, no one can take my place!

But I do have to step back and remember that I was called to do this job as well as be Luke's mom. So I am blessed to have a job! I am also blessed to have my boss. This week, I got the courage to ask if I could have some days off here and there to spend at home to help with my transition. And she said YES!!!

With just the knowledge that I can have a week day off if I am having a poor pitiful me moment has lifted my spirits tons!

Now for some pictures of my Stinker!

Truth

Earlier on, around when Luke was 4-5 weeks old, I posted about our breast feeding woes. I haven't really given a full update since then, so I thought I would lay out some truths about breast feeding and pumping.

I never assumed that nursing would be easy by any means. I actually prepared myself for it be difficult. I just assumed that I would have a tough time producing, and knew it was going to be painful.

In the hospital, once Luke became more awake and alert,it came fairly easy for us. I had to use a nipple shield, but he seemed to latch pretty well. Early on he was a every 2 hour eater, but breast babies do have to eat more often usually. After about 2 days home my milk came in, which is as uncomfortable as they say, beach balls sitting on my chest! I right away overproduced and had to pump for comfort.

Around one week old Luke just was insatiable. Literally eating every 1 or so. We couldn't get any sleep. Everytime I nursed, he would fall asleep then put him down, and he was awake screaming, ready to be fed again. So one night we decided to give him a bottle of pumped milk after nursing and he slept for 4 hours, which was magical! I didn't really fret over giving him a bottle that early because I knew he would be taking a bottle when I went back to work. And I had seen plenty of NICU babies be able to switch back and forth.

So we went through a period of nursing then bottle, which was time consuming, but he never seemed to get full from just nursing. I called the lactation consultant and she came out and watched us nurse and me pump. Gave is some great pointers and shortly we were able to wean off the bottle feedings for the most part.

But around week 2-3, we started to experience extreme fussiness and difficulty at the breast while nursing. He would be able to drink for awhile then pull off coughing and gasping, and the rest of the feeding would be miserable with a lot of latching on and pulling off. And it usually ended with him and I both crying. And mind you at this point he is still eating every 2-3. My NICU brain finally kicks in and I recognize that is reflux. We start him on Zantac and do reflux precautions. It doesn't really help tons and feedings are still very miserable. Around 3-4 weeks his spitting up increases so we start adding cereal to some bottles. At this point we are back to doing bottles after most nursing. We still struggled with the reflux during bottle feeding but it was more tolerable and it wasn't my boob that was being tortured.

After much thought, guilt, prayer, and conversations with Sour and friends, I decided to take 24 hours to only pump and bottle feed. Those 24 were the least stressful of all the days since we got home. So I did another 24, and Luke was just tolerating feeds so much better. So sometime between 5-6 weeks I decided to pump exclusively. That's been about 7 weeks ago, and pumping is going great! I have blessedly not struggled with supply yet, and its been very easy to squeeze it into work.

Every now and then I like to try to fondly remember nursing, but our sweet bonding moments really were few and far between. Please let me know if you have any questions about breast feeding or pumping. I am pro breast feeding and will try again with the next one, but this has been a great decision for Luke, Sour, and I.

Sorry for the length, I just really wanted mommies, future and present, to know that there is no right way, and every baby and momma are different. So don't let people or self guilt sway you one way or another.

Now for pictures of my freezer stash! I am very proud!

3 Months

Thursday was The Lukester's 3 month birthday! We have such mixed feelings! I can't believe that it's already been 3 months, while Sour feels like its been a YEAR! Either way we can't remember life before him.

At 3 months our not-so-little guy:
Is still not so little. We are estimating him to be about 15.5 lbs. but we won't have an official weight till his 4 month check-up.
Has pretty much full head control. Not a bobble head any more.
Loves to sit up and stand. He is tired this whole lying down business. He can't sit in his BeBe pod now. I think we may try his high chair soon.
Is in 6 month and 6-9 month clothes. He has graduated to size 3 diapers.
Loves baths in his whale bathtub (big bathtub). He is learning to splash!
Has found his hands! Loves to stare at and chew on them. I keep showing him his feet, too.
Is sleeping in the pack-n-play at night. It's our way of transitioning to his crib. He used to sleep in something that kept him all snuggled up, but the pack-n-play is roomy like he crib. He does napkin the crib from time to time. He still is swaddled at night.
Might be teething! He is drooling tons, chews and sucks on his hands constantly, has low grade fever, fussier than normal, and some loose stools.
Had his sip-n-see. It was fun and such a blessing! Luke racked up tins of fun books.
Still wakes up at least once a night for a snack.

We are loving live! And loving this boy of ours. Thank you God for the life changing guy!

Hi Ho Hi Ho

So Wednesday was my first day back at work. I definitely think it was more traumatic for me than Luke. But probably the most traumatic for Sour!
We are blessed enough to not have to use daycare at this time. Matthew and I work opposite schedules, he works weekends (Sat, Sun, Mon) and I work Mon-Fri. So Sour will be a stay at home dad from Tuesday-Friday. Mondays Luke gets to stay with his MiMi (my MIL).
This all makes for an easier transition on me. I think if I had to drop him off somewhere on Wednesday, I might have just kept driving! It was so much easier to leave him snuggled up in his bed.
I had a little cry the first day with some anxiety, second day was better leaving but it seemed like a longer day, and the third was tougher leaving because he was awake and playing. I wanted to jump back on the bed and play with the little munchkin!
Monday will be the real test to see if I can get him and myself up and out the door and get to work on time. And let's see if I can leave without making any big scene!
I know I really do want to work, but I have the worse momma's guilt for leaving him. I know I am going to miss all the big stuff. And I hate to think he probably doesn't even notice I am gone all day!
Sour passed with flying colors this week! He is getting used to the early mornings, and learning to rest/nap whenever Luke is. He did have a 4 diaper explosion on the first day they both seemed to survive through. And I have yet to see either one if them out of pajamas!

To say the least, I am blessed. I have a fantastic husband, a job to go back to, a precious baby boy, and a super helpful MIL. Along with many more things.