Friday, June 14, 2013

A little blue

I have been struggling with writing this blog for sometime now.  I have done a lot of soul searching, a ton of praying, and some looking back at my past.  I have some embarrassment with admitting this flaw.  I see failure in myself when I say it out loud.  But God is granting me some peace, and some guts to speak a little bit about it.  I know my blog doesn't reach a lot of  people, but hopefully this post in particular reaches the right ones.  Like some of my other posts, this is not for my benefit, I just really hope that someone else might need to hear that it is okay.

So enough with the leading on...I struggle with anxiety and depression.  More of the anxiety than depression.  The depression is usually the end result of all my anxiousness.  My  personality lends itself to these 2 flaws.  I am stress sensitive, control-freak, OCD tendencies, anal retentive, perfectionist, and a people pleaser.  None of these characteristics are new to me.  I was always the kid that thought a little too much about every thing.  I feel guilt over every single decision.  I worry constantly if I have hurt someone's feelings, or if someone is mad at me, or not being good enough.  I have always had not great self-esteem: very body conscious, didn't think I was smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, funny enough.  Gave myself such a hard time for any grade I deemed below the bar.  I didn't need to be punished half the time because I could make myself feel worse than anyone else.

The anxiety and depression have raised their ugly heads a time or 2 in my life before when things were a little tough and stressful, a bad break up, nursing school, etc.  But this time around I feel like it has engulfed me a little more.  I have a whole other human being to take credit for now.  Someone depends on me for literally everything.  I could really screw him up or help him become a fabulous human being!  I knew these things going into deciding to have a baby, but I was ready. 

I have not easily switched over to the role of working mommy.  I was dealing with it all okay when it was just us a home for 3 months, but the anxiety kicked up a notch when I couldn't be with him 24/7.  I have struggled immensely with guilt of not being his primary care-taker, my face not being the one he sees all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the blessing and rarity that SOUR is.  He relishes the time he has with Luke, and he is darn good at it!  But it isn't me!  Matthew is his favorite.  I do not have a momma's boy right now. 

Also with going back to work, I feel like I can't get my act together.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't leave something at the house or forget to do one task or another.  And for someone who needs/attempts for things to be perfect, this is a hard pill to swallow.  I just feel like I am barely holding my head above water most days.  Luke is not sleeping through the night (like, I swear, every single other baby on the planet does), so I am exhausted most days. When I get home, all I want to do is just immerse myself in Luke time, so he will know who I am, but that leaves so many things around the house undone.  Also not boding well for my perfectionism. 

Then lets just add on top of that my constant anxiety and guilt of making sure Luke turns out to be a what God is calling him to be.  Is he doing tummy time enough?  Is he being challenged to do new things?  Does he roll over enough?  Does he know how much he is loved?

I say all this, for anyone else out there struggling a bit or a lot, you aren't alone!  I know I only have one kid, and I know it gets crazier with each one, I know people out there have it harder than me!  But its okay to need a little while to get used to the new normal.  Its okay to need some time to adjust.  And I know that God is working on me and in me and through me.  I am not sinking into my depression, because he is holding me up. 

I know its okay because I have this sweet face to look at everyday.  I know I have done at least one thing right, love the stuffing out of him!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, I could have written this post. I have a history with anxiety leading to depression too, and realizing the enormous responsibility of being a mom is almost too much some days. Thank you for having the courage to post this- it's a hard thing to wrap your head around, much less put it out there in public. Sometimes just knowing that you aren't quite alone is a huge help. I feel like my relationship with God has become so much stronger since I've had Molly & Jack, and that's an amazing thing- I certainly would have drowned on my own. Keep your chin up and tread water like crazy. Your doing a fabulous job with that little guy. I'm certain of it!