A Job

So sometimes since leaving my job in the NICU, I really struggle with my purpose. As an NICU nurse, I knew without a doubt I was making a difference. I was saving life's, contributing to someone else's well-being, a supporter and friend to people who felt alone. 

But in the clinical education role, that difference isn't so noticeable or noted. Not many thank yous occur, no one is bringing me

treats, or hugging me for making a power point or putting together skills fair! 

My heart was definitely with those babies, and I really believe sick kiddos will always have a piece of me, it was my calling for a short time. And I do know that it was God's timing for me to go to this position. I really do love it! 

With all that said, when I have those questioning moments, God gives me a little pop, and tells me he gave me the most important job of all. Being a mommy! 

He has entrusted me to teach this little boy how to love unconditional, live,and look like Jesus.  What a big, important job. My job is to love him! My job is to teach and raise him to be amazing. My job is SHOW him how to do all these things. 

Boy how I love this BOY! 

Behind! 8-9 months

So I have been awful with the posts! And I really do have a lot I would love to update on! But I just can't squeeze it in! Between working full time and then going home and loving on Luke, cleaning the house, or trying to be social, blogging doesn't have much of a priority. 

But so maybe the next couple of days I will jam pack some posts in. 

Let's catch you up on the highlights of Luke:

He turned 9 months on Thursday, October 10th. 

He weighs 22 lbs and 4 oz. (75th percentile) 

He is 31.5" long (97th percentile)

He is a pro-crawler now

He cruises around furniture

He dares to let go and stand by himself every now and then. 

He loves "real" food. 

He would rather feed himself then by a spoon. 

His favorites are yogurt and spaghetti/ravioli. 

He has 6 partial teeth. 2-4 all came in at about the same time. 5 & 6 are working through now. They all still have some growing to do. 

He had his first ear infection, and he decided to make it a double! He was miserable! So sad to a momma's heart. 

There is no doubt he has his daddy's allergies/sensitivities. He has an almost constant runny nose, gets all swollen with mosquito bites, and almost always has a rash! 

He is making more and more "sounds" daily. We went thorough "ma-ma" and "buh-buh" and now he likes to put all of it together with some spitting! 

He still loves bath time, and watching the washer and drier. 

He is constantly in poor Willard's dog food. 

He loves being outside. 

We are trying to get used to shoes. I was a bad momma, and didn't put any on him all summer, and now he cannot function with shoes on!

He loves other babies/kids. We have been to a few birthday parties, and he has a blast chasing and playing. 

Okay that's all I can think of at the moment. I am sure there will be more. So that was information overload, now here is picture overload! 

6-7 Months

So it's been a good minute, and let me tell you these babies grow right in front of your eyes! So I am going to try to catch up on the highlights. 

We moved from a unsupported sitter to a crawler very quickly! We only got to enjoy the sitting and playing age for about a month. He was soon up on his hands and knees rocking. Around 7 months he was a mover! It took him about 2 weeks to really get the hang of it and see the perks and moving on his own. But now he is in everything and everywhere. He is a fast little booger! 

He even went from the sitting up from his back to pulling up very quickly. Changing diapers is a STRUGGLE! He will not lie down! But now you can't get him to sit down on his bottom, either. Every morning and after every nap we find him standing in his crib. 

Now he also figures he can walk too. So he moves himself all around the coffee tables and couches. I need him to slow down! I need my snugly baby! 

He is an eater! I am still pumping plus he gets 3 meals a day. We are starting to really throw in some table foods, but he pretty much enjoys anything you put in front of him. He has not met a food that he will not eat. 

Sour has gotten him into a lovely routine! He is finally a good sleeper. Sleeps about 10 hours a night and takes 2-3 hour or longer naps every day. 

He really is just a pleasure. So much fun! His personality is stronger everyday! You can tell he will be a mess when he is older! He brings so much joy to our daily lives. Everything is brighter, funnier, sweeter, better with Luke. I can't believe I had him missing from my life for so long! 

Catching up

First I will catch you up on some pictures! Then I will catch you up on our (Luke's) month to month progress. And then just life in general!  

Here is my growing boy! He is 7.5 months old! 

5 and more!

Man am I really late. And to top it all off I didn't even take the requisite monthly sticker picture for 5 months. But since we are only a week away from ring 6 months I figured I needed to get on the ball.  So our guy is 5 months old!  And we have had our first fever and cold :( 

5 and 6 months brought: 

Sitting up all by himself! It is so fun to see him look like a real kid playing with toys. And so nice to plop him down and do somethings while he entertains himself. 

His love for food is no joke! He is getting to be a pro at the spoon thing. We have had oatmeal, carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans, green peas, avocados, and bananas. I think we are going to try some table food in our 6 months.  

He officially sleeps ALL night!!! Big woohoo! He sleeps from 10-8ish usually. With no eating at all and no trecks upstairs. Which means he is sleeping successfully in his crib. I think he sleeps better without us. 

Rolling over his old hat for him now. Now he likes to scoot in his belly or throw himself forward from sitting to his belly to reach something. I am afraid crawling isn't too far away.  

We did a lot of pool time and he loves it! As long as the water is warm enough and not people splashing him in the face. 

He loves toys!!! Of course they all end up in his mouth but he is getting really good at just sitting and playing.

He can now move forward in his walker. And he is officially on a war path destroying everything in his way. 

He wears 12 month clothes. Size 3 diapers. 

At his sick appointment on Wednesday, 

he weighed 19lbs and 8oz. 

He eats about 30-35 oz of milk a day. And solids just once. He holds his on bottle off and on. We attempt a sippy cup every now and then. 

He makes everyday better, happier, sunnier, and like new!  I can't imagine days without his smiles and squeals. 

Happy 4th of July! 

A little blue

I have been struggling with writing this blog for sometime now.  I have done a lot of soul searching, a ton of praying, and some looking back at my past.  I have some embarrassment with admitting this flaw.  I see failure in myself when I say it out loud.  But God is granting me some peace, and some guts to speak a little bit about it.  I know my blog doesn't reach a lot of  people, but hopefully this post in particular reaches the right ones.  Like some of my other posts, this is not for my benefit, I just really hope that someone else might need to hear that it is okay.

So enough with the leading on...I struggle with anxiety and depression.  More of the anxiety than depression.  The depression is usually the end result of all my anxiousness.  My  personality lends itself to these 2 flaws.  I am stress sensitive, control-freak, OCD tendencies, anal retentive, perfectionist, and a people pleaser.  None of these characteristics are new to me.  I was always the kid that thought a little too much about every thing.  I feel guilt over every single decision.  I worry constantly if I have hurt someone's feelings, or if someone is mad at me, or not being good enough.  I have always had not great self-esteem: very body conscious, didn't think I was smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, funny enough.  Gave myself such a hard time for any grade I deemed below the bar.  I didn't need to be punished half the time because I could make myself feel worse than anyone else.

The anxiety and depression have raised their ugly heads a time or 2 in my life before when things were a little tough and stressful, a bad break up, nursing school, etc.  But this time around I feel like it has engulfed me a little more.  I have a whole other human being to take credit for now.  Someone depends on me for literally everything.  I could really screw him up or help him become a fabulous human being!  I knew these things going into deciding to have a baby, but I was ready. 

I have not easily switched over to the role of working mommy.  I was dealing with it all okay when it was just us a home for 3 months, but the anxiety kicked up a notch when I couldn't be with him 24/7.  I have struggled immensely with guilt of not being his primary care-taker, my face not being the one he sees all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the blessing and rarity that SOUR is.  He relishes the time he has with Luke, and he is darn good at it!  But it isn't me!  Matthew is his favorite.  I do not have a momma's boy right now. 

Also with going back to work, I feel like I can't get my act together.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't leave something at the house or forget to do one task or another.  And for someone who needs/attempts for things to be perfect, this is a hard pill to swallow.  I just feel like I am barely holding my head above water most days.  Luke is not sleeping through the night (like, I swear, every single other baby on the planet does), so I am exhausted most days. When I get home, all I want to do is just immerse myself in Luke time, so he will know who I am, but that leaves so many things around the house undone.  Also not boding well for my perfectionism. 

Then lets just add on top of that my constant anxiety and guilt of making sure Luke turns out to be a what God is calling him to be.  Is he doing tummy time enough?  Is he being challenged to do new things?  Does he roll over enough?  Does he know how much he is loved?

I say all this, for anyone else out there struggling a bit or a lot, you aren't alone!  I know I only have one kid, and I know it gets crazier with each one, I know people out there have it harder than me!  But its okay to need a little while to get used to the new normal.  Its okay to need some time to adjust.  And I know that God is working on me and in me and through me.  I am not sinking into my depression, because he is holding me up. 

I know its okay because I have this sweet face to look at everyday.  I know I have done at least one thing right, love the stuffing out of him!

My Growing Baby

Going to do picture overload so be warned! 

Luke does new stuff daily! And I can't get enough of him. I could stare at him non-stop! Obsessed really! Everything he does is precious, even his fussiness (usually when it's over)! 

He does the cutest stuff, and I love getting glimpses of his personality. So here are some pictures of his fabulous self.