A little blue

I have been struggling with writing this blog for sometime now.  I have done a lot of soul searching, a ton of praying, and some looking back at my past.  I have some embarrassment with admitting this flaw.  I see failure in myself when I say it out loud.  But God is granting me some peace, and some guts to speak a little bit about it.  I know my blog doesn't reach a lot of  people, but hopefully this post in particular reaches the right ones.  Like some of my other posts, this is not for my benefit, I just really hope that someone else might need to hear that it is okay.

So enough with the leading on...I struggle with anxiety and depression.  More of the anxiety than depression.  The depression is usually the end result of all my anxiousness.  My  personality lends itself to these 2 flaws.  I am stress sensitive, control-freak, OCD tendencies, anal retentive, perfectionist, and a people pleaser.  None of these characteristics are new to me.  I was always the kid that thought a little too much about every thing.  I feel guilt over every single decision.  I worry constantly if I have hurt someone's feelings, or if someone is mad at me, or not being good enough.  I have always had not great self-esteem: very body conscious, didn't think I was smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, funny enough.  Gave myself such a hard time for any grade I deemed below the bar.  I didn't need to be punished half the time because I could make myself feel worse than anyone else.

The anxiety and depression have raised their ugly heads a time or 2 in my life before when things were a little tough and stressful, a bad break up, nursing school, etc.  But this time around I feel like it has engulfed me a little more.  I have a whole other human being to take credit for now.  Someone depends on me for literally everything.  I could really screw him up or help him become a fabulous human being!  I knew these things going into deciding to have a baby, but I was ready. 

I have not easily switched over to the role of working mommy.  I was dealing with it all okay when it was just us a home for 3 months, but the anxiety kicked up a notch when I couldn't be with him 24/7.  I have struggled immensely with guilt of not being his primary care-taker, my face not being the one he sees all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the blessing and rarity that SOUR is.  He relishes the time he has with Luke, and he is darn good at it!  But it isn't me!  Matthew is his favorite.  I do not have a momma's boy right now. 

Also with going back to work, I feel like I can't get my act together.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't leave something at the house or forget to do one task or another.  And for someone who needs/attempts for things to be perfect, this is a hard pill to swallow.  I just feel like I am barely holding my head above water most days.  Luke is not sleeping through the night (like, I swear, every single other baby on the planet does), so I am exhausted most days. When I get home, all I want to do is just immerse myself in Luke time, so he will know who I am, but that leaves so many things around the house undone.  Also not boding well for my perfectionism. 

Then lets just add on top of that my constant anxiety and guilt of making sure Luke turns out to be a what God is calling him to be.  Is he doing tummy time enough?  Is he being challenged to do new things?  Does he roll over enough?  Does he know how much he is loved?

I say all this, for anyone else out there struggling a bit or a lot, you aren't alone!  I know I only have one kid, and I know it gets crazier with each one, I know people out there have it harder than me!  But its okay to need a little while to get used to the new normal.  Its okay to need some time to adjust.  And I know that God is working on me and in me and through me.  I am not sinking into my depression, because he is holding me up. 

I know its okay because I have this sweet face to look at everyday.  I know I have done at least one thing right, love the stuffing out of him!

My Growing Baby

Going to do picture overload so be warned! 

Luke does new stuff daily! And I can't get enough of him. I could stare at him non-stop! Obsessed really! Everything he does is precious, even his fussiness (usually when it's over)! 

He does the cutest stuff, and I love getting glimpses of his personality. So here are some pictures of his fabulous self. 

Yum!

This little guy has had no trouble transitioning to some solid foods!  We have done 4 days in a row of oatmeal at dinner time and he is wondering why we have been holding out on him!!!

We appreciate and welcome any advice about introducing solids! 

4 and more

Yesterday marked 4 magical months with our blessing. Years usually fly by fast, but this one in particular has zoomed by! Can it really be May?!?! Can it really be my first Mommy's day tomorrow? 

Well let me tell you, being Luke's mom has forever changed my heart and life and I don't need any stinking gifts! 

This baby  is growing into such a fun little boy. I love seeing his personality blossom daily. He has a serious side about him, evidenced by is very concentrated stare and his furrowed eyebrows.  But man is he a silly goose! He loves to hear himself talk, the louder the better! He is a big fan of his tongue and sticking it out. He loves to make spit bubbles and chew on his fingers.  He has a tickle spot running up his ribs.  His smile is infectious and his squeal is contagious. Bath times are the best. The more we can splash and kick the better.  

Luke loves his Johnny Jump Up and has recently started sitting in his walker.  He is hating laying down, he thinks he is too big for that. It's only a matter of time till he is rolling over, because he loves doing "sit ups"! Tummy time isn't his favorite but he deals with it in short increments. He loves Mondays with Mimi. And he is getting plenty of lessons from Dad during the week. 

We still sleep in the pack-n-play in mommy and daddy's room. He still wakes up about every 3 hours to eat. We are going to start trying some oatmeal to fill our tummy up more.  He weighed in at  a whopping 17.5lbs and a little over 27". That's 90th percentile in weight and 95th in height. He is a trooper with shots. Easily consoled and just a little fussy during the day.  

My heart feels like it could burst with love.  I have more love for Sour than I thought possible. I love seeing him as a daddy and taking the responsibility of watching him during the week.  

A quarter of his first year has passed us by, I hope he never questions the love we have for him or how it grows daily. 

Joys and Sorrows

Okay so the title is a little dramatic, but I thought since I have been back to work an extended amount of time now, I can give an honest feed back of how it's going.

In the spirit if honesty, I am having a hard time transitioning. It's hard to explain. I love working. Really always have. I am a very type A, over active over achiever type. I don't do well with being bored (it tends to make me grumpy and poor!), so I need to feel productive and needed and accomplished and successful. I know these are all probably deep flaws of mine. But that is the truth.

So being at work has given me a purpose (not that being a mommy hasn't done that!), something to step out of the house for. But at the same time my heart is somewhere else. I just dream about my little guy all day! I have this constant ache that I am missing out on very important moments. That he won't know or doesn't care that his mommy isn't there!!!! And then it turns into this nightmare of not being able to be the mom to him that I want to be and am called to be. I want to be a classroom mom, making fun treats and going to class parties. Not being able to go to all of his games, recitals, tournaments (whatever he decides to do).

I am not sure if my inner self will ever allow me to not work some, but right now I could really use some extra time home with my hubby and baby. We have been overwhelmingly blessed with family helping watch Luke so we don't have to use daycare. But my heart just breaks dropping him off. I get jealous of the moments that they share with him. And struggle with knowing that I am still the mom, I still know him best, no one can take my place!

But I do have to step back and remember that I was called to do this job as well as be Luke's mom. So I am blessed to have a job! I am also blessed to have my boss. This week, I got the courage to ask if I could have some days off here and there to spend at home to help with my transition. And she said YES!!!

With just the knowledge that I can have a week day off if I am having a poor pitiful me moment has lifted my spirits tons!

Now for some pictures of my Stinker!

Truth

Earlier on, around when Luke was 4-5 weeks old, I posted about our breast feeding woes. I haven't really given a full update since then, so I thought I would lay out some truths about breast feeding and pumping.

I never assumed that nursing would be easy by any means. I actually prepared myself for it be difficult. I just assumed that I would have a tough time producing, and knew it was going to be painful.

In the hospital, once Luke became more awake and alert,it came fairly easy for us. I had to use a nipple shield, but he seemed to latch pretty well. Early on he was a every 2 hour eater, but breast babies do have to eat more often usually. After about 2 days home my milk came in, which is as uncomfortable as they say, beach balls sitting on my chest! I right away overproduced and had to pump for comfort.

Around one week old Luke just was insatiable. Literally eating every 1 or so. We couldn't get any sleep. Everytime I nursed, he would fall asleep then put him down, and he was awake screaming, ready to be fed again. So one night we decided to give him a bottle of pumped milk after nursing and he slept for 4 hours, which was magical! I didn't really fret over giving him a bottle that early because I knew he would be taking a bottle when I went back to work. And I had seen plenty of NICU babies be able to switch back and forth.

So we went through a period of nursing then bottle, which was time consuming, but he never seemed to get full from just nursing. I called the lactation consultant and she came out and watched us nurse and me pump. Gave is some great pointers and shortly we were able to wean off the bottle feedings for the most part.

But around week 2-3, we started to experience extreme fussiness and difficulty at the breast while nursing. He would be able to drink for awhile then pull off coughing and gasping, and the rest of the feeding would be miserable with a lot of latching on and pulling off. And it usually ended with him and I both crying. And mind you at this point he is still eating every 2-3. My NICU brain finally kicks in and I recognize that is reflux. We start him on Zantac and do reflux precautions. It doesn't really help tons and feedings are still very miserable. Around 3-4 weeks his spitting up increases so we start adding cereal to some bottles. At this point we are back to doing bottles after most nursing. We still struggled with the reflux during bottle feeding but it was more tolerable and it wasn't my boob that was being tortured.

After much thought, guilt, prayer, and conversations with Sour and friends, I decided to take 24 hours to only pump and bottle feed. Those 24 were the least stressful of all the days since we got home. So I did another 24, and Luke was just tolerating feeds so much better. So sometime between 5-6 weeks I decided to pump exclusively. That's been about 7 weeks ago, and pumping is going great! I have blessedly not struggled with supply yet, and its been very easy to squeeze it into work.

Every now and then I like to try to fondly remember nursing, but our sweet bonding moments really were few and far between. Please let me know if you have any questions about breast feeding or pumping. I am pro breast feeding and will try again with the next one, but this has been a great decision for Luke, Sour, and I.

Sorry for the length, I just really wanted mommies, future and present, to know that there is no right way, and every baby and momma are different. So don't let people or self guilt sway you one way or another.

Now for pictures of my freezer stash! I am very proud!

3 Months

Thursday was The Lukester's 3 month birthday! We have such mixed feelings! I can't believe that it's already been 3 months, while Sour feels like its been a YEAR! Either way we can't remember life before him.

At 3 months our not-so-little guy:
Is still not so little. We are estimating him to be about 15.5 lbs. but we won't have an official weight till his 4 month check-up.
Has pretty much full head control. Not a bobble head any more.
Loves to sit up and stand. He is tired this whole lying down business. He can't sit in his BeBe pod now. I think we may try his high chair soon.
Is in 6 month and 6-9 month clothes. He has graduated to size 3 diapers.
Loves baths in his whale bathtub (big bathtub). He is learning to splash!
Has found his hands! Loves to stare at and chew on them. I keep showing him his feet, too.
Is sleeping in the pack-n-play at night. It's our way of transitioning to his crib. He used to sleep in something that kept him all snuggled up, but the pack-n-play is roomy like he crib. He does napkin the crib from time to time. He still is swaddled at night.
Might be teething! He is drooling tons, chews and sucks on his hands constantly, has low grade fever, fussier than normal, and some loose stools.
Had his sip-n-see. It was fun and such a blessing! Luke racked up tins of fun books.
Still wakes up at least once a night for a snack.

We are loving live! And loving this boy of ours. Thank you God for the life changing guy!